Mark My Sword: Chapter 3

There was nothing but pain. Oh, Brust, not the sun, not the sun… Ezra put her hands over her eyes to block out the light. 

“Hey, Lorien,” Katryn said from across the table, “Don’t you have any healing spells for hangovers?” 

“Hells no. I can’t heal myself. If I have to suffer, then so do you.”

“I thought elves had a higher tolerance for pain, you baby,” Ezra growled. 

In the corner, the mechanical daisy Cory had been making blew apart in a puff of smoke. He began patiently gathering the pieces and reassembling them, his single-minded concentration somehow making Ezra's head hurt worse.

“Hey, Cory,” Katryn said. “Go find us three healing potions. Now.”

***

“My mouth tastes like cat piss,” Ezra complained.

“How do you know that?” Lorien asked.

“We can’t keep doing this,” Katryn said suddenly.

“What, drinking cat-“

“No, this.  Bumming around the Damsel District, rescuing bratty princesses, wasting all our money on cheap ale… We need something different. An adventure, or a quest or something.”

“Quests don’t just fall out of the sky, you know,” Ezra said.

They all waited a moment.

“What are you doing?” Cory asked them.

Sheepish, Katryn said, “It just seemed like something might happen the-“

She was interrupted as a large sign dropped on her head bearing the label, ‘QUEST. HEROES WANTED.’

“Ah,” said Ezra sagely. “There it is.”

“Great,” Katryn wheezed from the ground. “Now could you get this damn thing off of me?”

***

They arrived at the address, a small, musty shop crammed in between two larger ones. It looked suspiciously like the sort of shop that would vanish when you went back to look for it again. The nature of these shops, incidentally, made it very difficult to return damaged items. Ezra suspected that this was by design.

The five of them entered the shop, the door jingling slightly as Katryn pushed it open. Ezra noted that the door had no bells on it. Magic users had an odd sense of humor. 

The inside was dark and dusty, crammed full of strange and half-unidentifiable objects. Ezra took stock of the room, shuddering slightly at bottles filled with various slimes and insects and pausing for a baffling moment to inspect what appeared to be a stuffed duck with a crocodile’s head sewn onto it.

An old man sat cross-legged on the counter, eyes closed and head down. 

“Um, sir?” Katryn said hesitantly. “Excuse me?”

He did nothing. 

Katryn repeated herself a little louder. Still nothing.

Ezra stepped forward cautiously and poked his forehead. He didn’t move. She reached for a wrist to check his pulse. Suddenly, a hand shot out and grabbed hers.

“Ow! Ow! Ow!” She writhed in pain as he pulled back her index finger. 

The others ran forward quickly to separate the two of them. After a brief struggle, they managed to pull Ezra away. She glared at the old man as Katryn tried to smooth things over with him.

“Why have you come to my shop?” he asked in a quavery voice. It was, in fact, the very voice that one would expect a mysterious old man to have. Very convenient, Ezra thought, glaring at him and nursing her hand.

“We saw your sign,” Katryn put in. “We’re heroes.”

“Ah! Why didn’t you say so?”

Ezra had to be restrained by Lorien.

“There was once, in the days of old, a mystic key created by the mighty enchanter Maga Fin, said to possess unique and mysterious powers.”

Ezra frowned. Was it just her, or had soft background music suddenly started playing?

“This key remained hidden for many generations, until some heroes discovered it. Though they tried to wield it, they found that they could not, and so they pawned it off on me. Then a week ago some bastard stole it.” The old man frowned.

The music had stopped. Ezra decided it must have been her imagination.

“Do you know who took it?” Katryn asked.

“An evil sorcerer by the name of Darghzin. He has a castle to the west, in the kingdom of Greenwood. That is where you will find the key. Will you accept this quest?”

“Hold on,” Katryn said, “Greenwood?”

“Little place just north of Horseford…”

“Right, right, I know where it is,” said Katryn with a sigh. “How’s the pay?”

“I can give you five hundred gold upon the delivery of the key.”

“A thousand.”

“Six hundred.”

“Nine.”

“Seven hundred and fifty gold.”

“Deal.”

He stuck out his hand and she shook it. There was a faint yellow glow around their hands as the contract was sealed with magic.

Wait, Ezra thought, was that it? Ordinarily, heroes couldn’t be hired without reams of paperwork and thirty questions to make sure that their team fit FHHA standards. Why hadn’t he at least asked for a resume?  

Well, it was too late to voice concerns now, after the contract had been sealed. Damn. It would be just their luck if they’d taken on something too dangerous to handle. She glared at the old man suspiciously, vowing to keep a close eye out.

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(Next chapter on Tuesday.)

Mark My Sword: Chapter 2

“Oh thank Brust!” Ezra said as the walls of the city appeared over the crest of the hill. 

Katryn understood her relief. The trip had been nothing but one long list of complaints from the princess. 

Amariellannettee, upon seeing the castle, let out a wail. The team cringed collectively. 

“What is it this time?” Ezra shouted to the sky.

“I can’t let my subjects see me like this! Just look at my hair!”

“Why did I ever give up assassination?” Ezra muttered. 

“Don’t worry, your highness,” Lorien said smoothly. “I can create a suitable disguise for you.”

The princess looked at him with big eyes. “You mean you can cast a glamour on me?” 

“Something like that.”

***

The guard looked slightly confused as he waved through an elf, a dragon, three humans, and an unidentifiable creature wearing a bag over its head.

“This is not amusing,” Amariellannettee muttered in Katryn’s ear. 

“But nobody will recognize you now,” Katryn said cheerfully. 

“But I can’t see anything!”

Up ahead, Ezra appeared to be skipping.

The town was like most castle towns in the area. It had a busy marketplace and half a dozen inns. The streets were thronged with merchants, farmers and minstrel troupes, as well as the occasional adventurers looking for work. 

The team pushed through the main street, leading the princess by the arm. Katryn only let her bump into a few vegetable carts, an admirable show of restraint, she thought.

At the castle gate, they were stopped by a pair of bored-looking guards.

“Hello,” said Katryn. “We’re here to see the king.”

“State your business.”

“We’re the heroes he hired last week. Princess rescue.”

“Employment pass?” 

“Right. Lorien, give them the pass.”

The elf nodded, digging into the pocket of his robes. He frowned. Moving his staff into left hand, he checked the other pocket. Then, shoving the staff into Cory’s hands, he patted himself down frantically.

“Tolkien,” he swore. “I, um, think I might have dropped it in the sorcerer’s castle…”

“Right before we blew it up. Of course.” Katryn sighed, squeezing the bridge of her nose in an attempt to ward off an oncoming headache.

“We can’t let you through without a pass,” the guard said. “You’ll need to make an appointment. It’ll take about a week…”

A muffled shriek came from under the princess’s sack. “You are the worst heroes ever!” She lifted the bag off of her head, practically hissing at the guards, “I am your princess! Let me through right now or I will have you executed!”

The guards backed away as if they’d been confronted by a demon, bowing all the way. Without a word, Amariellannettee stomped forward. Katryn shrugged, and the team followed her. 

In the throne room, the king stood to greet them. 

“My daughter!” he said, arms wide.

“These guys suck, dad. Don’t pay them anything.”

“Hey. We’ve got a contract,” Ezra snapped.

“Do you know what I had to go through the last three days? I was dragged across muddy roads, on foot, suffered humiliation, bad food…”

“The terms were we bring her back, we get paid,” Katryn said. “Here she is.”

The king looked uncomfortable. “Ammy, sweetie, they’re right, you know. I can’t go around breaking my contracts.”

The princess made a noise usually associated with donkeys and stormed off. 

“Roland, their money.”

A footman stepped forward with a heavy sack. Katryn opened it. Gold coins. She closed the bag again, giving it to Muffin, who swallowed it.

The king and the footman gave her a strange look.

“He has a special pouch that he stores it in,” Cory explained proudly. 

Katryn shook her head. “Look, don’t ask. It makes the dragon happy, and we’ve never had a problem getting it back from him before.”

The king and footman continued to look at them blankly.

“Well, nice doing business with you, your highness,” Katryn said. “We’ll just leave, then…”

***

“That was…something,” Katryn said as they walked away from the castle.

“I’m sick of dealing with these damn damsels,” said Ezra sullenly. 

“Aren’t we all,” Katryn muttered.

“At least we got paid,” said Lorien. 

“Yeah. Hey,” Katryn said, “I thought I saw an inn earlier that didn’t look too cheap. I don’t know about you guys, but I could use a drink.”

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Top Ten Songs To Write Epic Things To

When I went to bed last night, I had the best idea for a post ever. Then I woke up this afternoon to find that the Nostalgia Critic stole it from me. I'm still going to do it, though.

When I write, I don't usually listen to music. It distracts me too much. But sometimes, there are scenes where you just need to be full of energy, those big, emotional moments when shit is about to go down. And when that happens, these are some of my go-to songs. They are great, epic and make you want to just go out and do something awesome.

Why top ten? Because I want to prove that I'm not ripping off the Nostalgia Critic. (Hmm... Maybe I should delete that last line?)

First, honorable mentions:

HM 1: Discord (Eurobeat Brony Remix) 
HM 2: Resonance (Soul Eater Season One Theme) 

Now, onto the list!

10. Cascade (Homestuck)

Homestuck has a lot of great music, but Cascade is without a question the most epic of all the Homestuck songs. Introduced in the Cascade flash, which is one of the most mind-blowing parts of Homestuck to date, it goes perfectly with the amazing, game-changing action taking place.

Why is it so low on the list? Well, look at the time. It's over ten minutes long. While it works extremely well when played along with the Cascade flash, it has a hard time keeping up momentum for so long on its own, especially with all the slow moments in the music. Still, it's an awesome song- I mean, just listen to the way it smacks you in the face with those opening notes. Fuck yeah. For best effect, listen to about the first four minutes, although the rest is pretty awesome as well.

9. This Year (The Mountain Goats)

You might not expect the folksy, acoustic guitar-playing Mountain Goats to appear on a list of epic songs. If so, then you've clearly never heard them play before. I mean, damn. This Year is a loud, punch-you-in-the-gut song. When singer John Darnielle says that he is going to make it through this year if it kills him, you not only believe his determination, but you damn well believe that it just might kill him. Basically? Fuck yeah. This song probably works best with something set in the real world, not so much the epic fantasy I had in mind while writing this list. Nevertheless, it is a great song of determination and awesomeness. 

8. The Call (Regina Spektor)

This song is probably the softest one on the list, but it is no less epic because of it. It's a song of loss and sadness, but also of hope for renewal. Regina's vocals are beautiful, the piano and strings are understated and soft but pervasive, and, all in all, the song just gives me chills. Short and sweet, but amazing. Perfect for sending your soldier off to the war to, or just for writing something sad.

Note: I made a point, for variety's sake, of only including one song per artist, but her song Blue Lips receives and honorable mention. Check it out some time.

7. Black Unicorn (Voltaire)

I had to push a couple other songs off the list to make room for this one, but god damn was it worth it. The full title of the song is Riding a Black Unicorn Down the Side of an Erupting Volcano as I Drink from a Chalice Filled with the Laughter of Small Children. I mean, seriously, that is so epic that it punches rainbows and makes pimp hats out of their spleens. How can you not appreciate this sort of epic? The song is on the slower side, but it is pretty cool and the words alone pretty much guarantee it a spot here. Do what you like with it, but appreciate its majesty.

6. Goin' Back to Hogwarts (A Very Potter Musical)

If you ever doubted that I was a nerd, well, doubt no more. This song is amazing. Really, the whole musical is amazing, but this song is truly the most epic of them all. (You should also check out the reprise at the end of the musical.) This song builds slowly, starting with Harry alone and slowly adding in Ron, Hermione, and finally the entire the cast, slowly getting everyone pumped. For those of you who, like me, grew up with Harry Potter, it's also loaded with nostalgic value and tons of laughs. The song is made of badassery and hilarity. It just fills you with fun and anticipation. I'm not sure what it would be best to write to, but it's so fun and awesome that it has to be good for something.

5. How Far We've Come (Matchbox Twenty)

Some of you may remember that this song was really big in 2005/2006. When I was in San Francisco in summer of '06, it was playing almost constantly from every store in Chinatown. Well, sometimes songs are popular for a reason, and this song is just damn epic. I dare you to try listening to the chorus without singing along. Great for revving yourself up for that big climax.

4. This is War (30 Seconds to Mars)

I didn't realize that this song existed for a while, but when I heard it, well, wow. The husky voice of the lead singer? The persistent hum of the guitar? The slow build to the screaming chorus? This is war. This is just kind of awesome. It builds and builds. This is a song for an epic battle. It just....gah, it's awesome.

3. Battle Cry (Ludo)

Ludo is often dismissed as being "too weird". You may or may not have noticed, but I like weird. Weird is great. And I think that Ludo proves it with this. It's weird, and silly, and somehow still gloriously awesome. It gets your attention from the opening riff, and it never lets it go. It has a truly big feel to it- goddamn it, this is our motherfucking battle cry. Let's go kick some enemy ass! Perfect for when your commander rallies their troops after a defeat.

Note: Remember the one song per artist rule? Ludo is the reason for that. This could very easily have become 'Ludo's Top Ten Awesome Songs' if I hadn't cut back. Check them out; they're amazing.

2. Legend of Zelda Theme (25th Anniversary Orchestral Version)

The Legend of Zelda series has some incredible music. While this is not my favorite LoZ song, it is certainly one of the most epic. Multipurpose and majestic, the full orchestra really helps to bring out the nuance and grandeur of the piece. Just listen to it! Doesn't it make you want to go fight evil and rescue princesses? (If you said no to that question than you might be Ganondorf. Do you want to be Ganondorf? I didn't think so.)

1. I Am the Doctor (Doctor Who)

This is truly deserving of the number one spot. The action theme of one of my favorite Doctors of all time, I Am the Doctor is badass, uplifting and triumphant. There's danger here, yes, but also great adventure and fun. Come with me, the song promises, and great things will happen. The world is scary, but it's also thrilling and beautiful, and I'd love to share it with you if you'll let me. It's a song that has a lot to offer, and I could sit listening to it on replay all day. (That is not exaggeration. I have done that before.)


Well, that was my list! I hope you liked some of the songs on here. These are songs that I personally listen to to get pumped up for writing, and not everyone is the same. If you think there are some that should've been on here, feel free to say so in the comments!

Valete!

Mark My Sword: Chapter 1

Katryn ran down the corridor as quietly as possible, broadsword gripped tightly in both hands. She vaguely remembered someone telling her once not to run with sharp objects, but she’d been doing it for years and had never…. Well, hardly ever… Well, anyway, that was why her team had a healer, wasn’t it.

She stopped at the appropriate doorway. She knew it was the right one; most of the castles in the Damsel District were built by the same contractors, and they all had pretty much the same layout.

She raised a boot to the thick wooden door, breaking it open with a satisfying crash. She staggered forward a bit, managing to catch herself. 

A wide-eyed princess looked at her in surprise. 

“Princess Amariel?” Katryn asked. 

“It’s Amariellannettee,” the princess said uncertainly. “Um…”

“Whatever. I’m here to rescue you.”

“Erm…”

“We don’t have all day,” Katryn said impatiently. “My team is distracting the sorcerer, and this castle’s rigged to blow at any minute.”

“It’s just that I expected you to be more…male.”

“Ah, Pratchett, not this again.” Katryn sighed. “Look, this is just a basic contract, you know. I’m here to rescue you, not marry you. Anyway, the economy’s tight right now. You’re just lucky that your father could afford real heroes. I heard there’s some kingdom south of here that had to hire a plumber to do its rescue jobs.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry…”

“Besides, it’s not like I wouldn’t rather be off rescuing some handsome prince for once, but no, they always have to be the big damn heroes, the selfish bastards, and the few I do find just hit on Cory or Lorien…”

“I said I’m… Hey, didn’t you say this castle is rigged to explode?”

Reluctantly, Katryn broke off her rant. “Yeah, come on.”

They ran back the way Katryn had just come. At least, Katryn ran. After several mishaps with shoes and gown, the princess was scooped up unceremoniously and carried. 

At the front gate, they met Ezra and Lorien, running in the same direction. 

“Cory’s waiting down the hill,” Ezra panted. “Minions coming…” 

The four of them ran until they finally, and rather literally, stumbled across Cory, lying in the grass beside his dragon. 

They crouched down beside him. “Ready?” asked Katryn.

Cory nodded, causing his mop of brown hair to flop madly in his face.

“Right,” said Katryn. “Lorien, raise the shield.”

The elf gripped his staff tightly, slowing his breathing as he concentrated. 

After a moment, the tip of the staff shone as a glowing green dome appeared, neatly encasing the group. Cory reached into the bulging knapsack beside him, pulling out a small metal box studded with a variety of seemingly cosmetic gears and switches. 

“Okay,” Katryn said, “Ready in five, four, three…”

Cory flipped a switch.

“Two one,” sighed Katryn as the explosion rocked the ground. 

Chunks of stone and minion rained down, bouncing harmlessly off of their shield.

The princess gave Katryn an annoyed look. “I thought you said it was rigged to blow at any minute.”

Katryn shrugged. “It got you moving, didn’t it?”

The princess gaped in outrage.

“In her defense,” Ezra said, “Cory sometimes blows up buildings with people still inside them.” She gave him a pointed look.

Cory cringed. “That only happened once! Muffin got impatient and stole the remote from me!”

“Severe burns and eight broken bones!” 

The dragon grinned and flicked his tongue at her.

“Your dragon’s name is Muffin?” said Amariellannettee, wrinkling her nose in distaste. 

“So? Your name is Amariellannettee,” said Katryn. She shook away an uneasy feeling that she may have unwittingly said something deeply ironic. 

“I’m putting the shield down now,” Lorien said. The green dome flickered and died, leaving them standing in the midst of a field of rubble.

“Right,” said Katryn. “It’s a three day walk back to the king’s castle, so we’d better start now while it’s still daylight.”

The princess gave her a disbelieving look. “Walk? You mean you don’t even have horses? What kind of adventurers are you?”

“Cheap ones,” Katryn snapped. “Now let’s go.” 

It was going to be a long three days.

Next>>

Mark My Sword: Coming Soon

My long awaited web novel, Mark My Sword, will be coming soon to a blog near you! (Well, I'll assume that it's near you, because you're reading it right now, and... Yeah.)

Mark My Sword is a fantasy/parody adventure about a team of heroes trying to make it big and save the world and stuff. I just want to get a few buffer chapters written up, do a little polishing, and I should have the first chapter posted sometime in the next week or so. Keep your eyes out, and I hope it's as fun for you to read as it is for me to write!

Just Throw It Away

Just a silly little thought that I had.

 I always get stuck on the first chapters of my stories. I think that 90% of everything that I've written in my life had the words 'Chapter One' hovering over it somewhere. I can never just seem to get past that first hurdle and get into the story proper.

I was listening to this podcast. Something that they said, though I'm not sure what, reminded me of something that my voice teacher tells me all the time when I get stuck on a high note: "Just throw it away." That is, don't think about it, don't worry about it, just sing it quick and move on to the next note.

Okay, my first chapter might not be great. But if I ever want to progress with my story, I have to just throw it away so that I can move on to the next bit. And the great part about writing, as opposed to singing? I can go back anytime I want and give it another shot.

Not sure why this clicked in my head, but I just figured I'd share it. Hell, it might help someone else, too. If not, I'm sorry that I wasted your time with this. Here, let me make it up to you.

Hear the sound of your brain melting? That's the sound of forgiveness.

Let's Watch: Soul Eater Episode III

Some of you may have noticed that I haven't quite worked out what to call this series. Episode 3 can be watched here.

As promised:

 DEATH THE MOTHERFUCKIN' KID, EVERYBODY.

Too badass to hold guns correctly.

While Death the Kid isn't my favorite character, he's probably my favorite of the main group for reasons that I'll explain in a few minutes. 

So, blah blah, intro intro, skip, skip... We finally open on some B-list superhero jumping out of a house with a giant skull and crossed scythes on the front, bag of loot in tow. Did I mention that I freaking love this series?

Giant bolts of pink energy fly after the superhero-thing. We see a kid standing on a roof. He is holding his guns upside-down. Now, some of you might not realize exactly how weak your pinkies are. As a bass player, however, I'm able to say definitively that they are really goddamn weak. Trying to fire a gun with a pinkie would be horribly uncomfortable and probably less accurate than just holding it the right way to begin with. Plus, holding them upside-down looks kind of stupid. But whatever, Kid, it's your party.

Kid's guns turn into girls in midriff-bearing cowboy outfits. They strike some elaborate pose. The bad guy slumps in defeat. Then Kid yells at the smaller and derpier weapon for standing slightly off her mark. The bad guy escapes. See, Kid has some major OCD. He likes needs things to be symmetrical. And the best part? This doesn't just go away at critical moments. He's a huge, superpowered badass with a stupid weakness that actually impairs him at critical moments. A silly but effective flaw. This is one of the reasons that he's my favorite of the main cast. What's the other one, you ask? He's got a cool character design. Yeah, I never said I wasn't shallow. 

So, next kid yells at Patty (the young, cute and stupid one) and Liz (the boring one) for being different heights, having different hair styles, and having different-sized boobs. If it were any other character, I'd think they just wanted to cop a feel. Liz points out that his hair's asymmetrical, and he has a nice cry. They say nice things about him until he perks up and goes to see his father. (His father's Death, if the name wasn't enough of a hint for you.)

Kid badasses himself a holographic projection of Death, who derps around as per usual. We learn that Kid is a shinigami and doesn't have to muddy his boots collecting souls with the rest of the peasants, but he chooses to anyway because his OCD compels him to. He chooses a challenging mission because he's Death the Motherfuckin' Kid. 

The mission is in a temple in Egypt. I'm not sure why the kids go all around the world for missions; I always got the sense from this series that there were multiple Afreet-hunting centers, one per continent, and the DMWA, the one the characters are from, is in North America. But whatever. I could be wrong.

The temple is symmetrical. Kid flies in on his skateboard and drools. (You read that right.) Kid then leaves Liz and Patty behind in the mummy-infested temple because he thinks that he might have left the picture frame in his room slightly askew. Liz isn't happy, but Patty is too dumb to care. Liz and Patty then have an awesome fight scene, taking turns being guns. It makes me wonder what they even need a meister for. Being a weapon must kind of suck, really.

Meanwhile, the witch they went in to catch resurrects a pharaoh. It eats her. Back at his big frickin' house, Kid discovers that his picture was perfectly straight after all and starts to head back. Back in the temple, Liz is about to have a heart attack. She is scared of ghosts. She and Patty go down to the boss room pharaoh's chamber. Back at the DMWA again, Soul and Black Star go and talk to a teacher named Sid. 

When I saw Sid, I was all, "An attractive-looking black guy in an anime? What sorcery is this?" Don't get your hopes up, though. Next episode, he turns into a blue chipmunk zombie.

Anyway, Kid eventually finds Liz and Patty. They're tied up by the mummy. The mummy apparently remembered that he hadn't gotten laid in a few hundred years, because it looks like it's about to get all tentacle-rapey up in there. Kid is helpful for once and they get out. Then he realizes that the mummy is symmetrical, and he's unable to shoot it. He gets his ass kicked. I wonder why Liz doesn't just grab Patty and shoot the thing herself.

Then the mummy emerges from its sarcophagus. It's got a missing eye. Kid can shoot it now. He flips out and accidentally blows a hole in the temple. It isn't symmetrical anymore. Kid is sad panda.

That's pretty much it. This one was the best episode thus far. Kid was great, Liz and Patty were amusing. I already explained why Kid is awesome. This one also had some great fight scenes and the pace was much better than the previous two. It was a lot less exposition-heavy, and it was funnier as well.

Final Grade: 7/10

Now that we've met all the main cast, they finally get to meet each other next episode! (Well, the other four get to meet these three, anyway. They already know each other.)

Valete!

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